How to support a woman in labor: A childbirth cheat sheet for partners

Supporting a woman in labor is an incredibly exciting and important role. (Plus, research shows that women who have support during childbirth are more likely to have positive outcomes, including shorter labor times and decreased medical intervention.) And even if you and your partner have decided to hire a doula (a trained labor coach) to be there for the delivery, it's still a good idea to be ready for what to expect during labor.

Your partner is going to be looking to you for comfort, strength, and encouragement during the entire labor and delivery process. And though you may find it hard to watch her in pain, you'll likely discover that childbirth can be one of life's most powerful and rewarding moments.

Here, some tips for what to expect and how to offer support during labor:

Know how to recognize the signs of labor

Late in pregnancy, many women have false contractions that may feel like labor, but unlike the real deal, these Braxton Hicks contractions typically aren't painful. Some women describe them as a belly-tightening sensation that comes and goes.

Look for these signs, among others, that your partner is experiencing real contractions:

• Her water may break, resulting in a trickle or gush of fluid. When the amniotic sac (also called the bag of waters) breaks, many women spontaneously go into labor shortly after. If not, labor is often induced to minimize the risk of infection. But keep in mind that contractions usually start before your partner's water breaks.
• She may have persistent lower back pain, like a crampy, premenstrual feeling.
• She's having contractions that occur at regular and increasingly shorter intervals and become longer and stronger in intensity.
• She passes the mucus plug, which is in the cervix. This isn't always a sign that labor is imminent – it could still be several days away. But at the very least, it indicates that things are starting to move along.

Help time contractions – and be ready to wait

Unlike in the movies, most women labor for hours before they even go to the hospital. Indeed, it's usually more comfortable to spend the early stages of labor at home. And many hospitals won't admit a woman in labor until her contractions are regular, painful, and coming every three to five minutes and the cervix is starting to dilate.

You may want to time the contractions periodically to get a sense for how things are progressing, but you don't need to do so continuously. Free contraction-timer apps can track things for you.

Contractions are timed in seconds from the beginning of one contraction to the beginning of the next. Count the frequency of contractions in minutes. Don't get too bogged down with obsessively timing the contractions, however, because it can make the labor seem longer than it is.

Be available to help your partner do whatever she wants to stay relaxed at this point, such as watching her favorite TV show, going for a walk, showering, or even taking a nap. This isn't the time for finishing up last-minute projects or doing household chores.

If your partner is having regular and painful contractions that last 30 seconds or longer, she's probably in early labor. Your doctor or midwife can help you make the decision over the phone about when to come in. As a general rule, if the contractions are five minutes apart or less, last more than 30 seconds, and continue in that pattern for an hour, it's time to go the hospital.

Some situations call for getting to the hospital sooner or later, so talk to your healthcare provider ahead of time about what's right for you.

Know what to expect during labor

Sitting in the hospital in the thick of labor is not the right time to be flipping through a pregnancy book or notes from childbirth class, so finish your reading beforehand. And go to a childbirth class with an open mind – you'll get solid information, as well as a sense of how other partners are planning to get through the event.

If you can't get to an in-person class, BabyCenter's online birth class walks you through the whole process as your schedule allows. Watch videos of births, hear other peoples' real-life birth stories, and get guidance on making a birth plan. The class is free and you can watch it as many times as you'd like to prep for the big day.

Don't expect labor to be over in just a few hours. Every woman's experience is different, but it's helpful to understand the three distinct stages of labor:

The first stage of labor

The first stage really consists of three phases:

• Early phase. This phase typically lasts up to 12 hours, although it's usually shorter for second and subsequent babies. As labor progresses, the contractions get longer and stronger.

• Active phase. Often this phase lasts up to six hours, although it can be a lot shorter. You should be in the hospital or birth center by now or on the way there. Contractions are much more intense, last about 40 to 60 seconds, and are spaced three to five minutes apart. Helping your partner with breathing exercises and relaxation techniques will come into play during this phase. If your partner is having trouble coping or she's not interested in a drug-free labor, this is when she might opt for an epidural or other pain relief.

• Transition phase. This phase can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. It's here that things are likely to start getting a little (or a lot) more intense. Contractions last 60 to 90 seconds and come two or three minutes apart.

Online birth class

Watch our free childbirth class videos to help you prepare for labor and birth.

The second stage of labor

The second stage includes pushing and birth, and can last from minutes to hours – the average is about an hour for a first-time mom (longer if she's had an epidural). This stage ends with a moment that's usually both relieving and breathtaking: the birth of your baby.

The third stage of labor

It's not over yet! This stage begins immediately after your baby is born and ends with the delivery of the placenta five to 10 minutes later. Your partner may get a case of the postpartum chills or feel very shaky during this stage. If that's the case, be ready to offer a warm blanket and to hold your newborn while your partner regains her strength.

Be flexible with the birth plan

The same labor strategies don't work for all women, and everybody has their own hopes and wishes for how they want childbirth to go. (Does she want an epidural? Does she want to save or donate the baby's cord blood? Does she want to keep her placenta for encapsulation?) Well before the baby's due date, take time to discuss expectations and options, and put together a birth plan.

Later, you can take initiative with your partner's wishes in mind. But be prepared to change course – even the best-laid plans can go astray. Part of a partner's job is to discern what works and drop what doesn't, all while doing what's best for the woman in labor.

Pack your own hospital bag

Most pregnant moms ready their hospital bags long before their due date. But you're probably spending the night at the hospital too, so don't forget to pack some things for yourself.

The essentials:

• A change or two of clothes
• Comfortable shoes and an extra pair of clean socks
• A toothbrush, toothpaste, and deodorant
• Any needed medicines
• A phone (and phone charger) to keep loved ones updated
• Some sustaining snacks (ones with no strong odors, please!)

You may end up joining your partner in the tub or shower while she's in labor at the hospital. If you think you might do this, pack a bathing suit. (The hospital will have towels for you.)

Be an advocate

A woman in labor is not always in the best condition to make hard decisions or assertive requests. As her partner, make sure you're ready to step in if the situation calls for it. You may need to help her logically weigh her options about certain medical decisions; or ask that her healthcare practitioner be woken from a nap, that an anesthesiologist be paged, or that a mirror be brought in so that she can sneak a peek at what's happening.

Your doctor or midwife and the nurses are all there to make sure your partner and baby do well during labor and birth. But you still have a big role when it comes to helping your partner get comfortable and in communicating her wishes.

If she plans to breastfeed, help make sure that she has a chance to do so soon after the baby is born, and that someone is there to help her if she's having trouble.

Don't take anything personally

A woman in labor may be in her own world. Giving birth is a long, hard job, and some women find the best way to cope is to reach deep inside themselves and ignore you. She may also become outwardly irritable toward you at times too.

For instance, she may love having a massage early in labor, and then during transition find being touched intolerable … and will let you know that in no uncertain terms! The same goes for music – that labor playlist you spent hours making together may have been a great idea earlier, but later on, she may request absolute silence. (So, hit pause.)

It's important to not misconstrue any of her behavior as a rejection of you.

Ask the medical staff questions

Medical professionals should, but don't always, explain what they're doing and whether it's mandatory. Don't be shy about seeking out information, whether about medical procedures, a status update on how things are progressing, or about ways you can help your partner get more comfortable – especially if she's not up to asking questions herself.

The doctors, midwives, nurses, and other medical staff will be happy to answer any questions that you ask, especially if you're just trying to offer more support for the pregnant mom-to-be. Any silence is often not intentional, so don't be afraid to speak up. They're used to the questions.

Help her stay focused and relaxed

It may be hard to figure out what to say to someone in labor, especially in the heat of the moment, but remember that while it's her job to push, it's yours to push the encouragement.

Suggest different coping techniques during labor when necessary, drawing on the methods you've both learned in childbirth class. For example, suggest position changes or encourage her to find something – such as a breathing pattern, your face, or even a foot rub – to focus on during the contractions, and bring her back to it whenever she starts to think she won't make it.

If she's able to move around during labor, getting her out of the bed for a short walk across the room or even just to a chair nearby can also be useful.

Know your own limitations

There's a lot that goes on in the birthing room. It's important to be aware of what you're willing to do during the process and what you want to leave to the professionals. For example, if you're not comfortable cutting the umbilical cord (even if that was in the initial birth plan), just say so.

If the sight of blood or even childbirth makes you feel queasy – even if you didn't think it would – know that it's okay to look away. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. Focus instead on your partner: Look her in the eyes and support her through this moment.

Be there to offer encouragement for labor and delivery

This is the kind of major life event for which simply showing up is one of the most important things of all. Even if you want – or have – to leave most of the hands-on stuff to the medical pros, your presence matters. Your partner will be looking to you for encouragement.

Many times, the birth process can seem scary. It's important to manage your fears and those of your partner's by asking questions when you need to, knowing when not to worry, and projecting a sense of confidence and calm reassurance for the woman in labor. Right now, you're the supportive partner – and you've got a very important job.

Read more:

• How long will I be in the hospital after giving birth?
• What happens to your baby after delivery
• How to swaddle your baby