Is conscious parenting the secret to a happy family?

When I was pregnant with my first child, I had a pretty picture in my mind of how I'd act as a mom. I would be present, calm, and focused; I'd rarely get angry with my kids. 

Like many parents, I quickly learned – right around the time that the terrible twos set in! – that parenting is wonderful and also super frustrating. It can spark emotional reactions you didn't expect to have. And despite good intentions, it's challenging to embody the best version of yourself as a parent day in and day out.

That's where conscious parenting comes in: This style of parenting frequently looks inward and focuses on how your own behaviors, thoughts, and emotions impact your child. Proponents say this can benefit both kids and parents since you're prioritizing mental health and modeling mindfulness for the entire family.

Here's what to know about conscious parenting, including examples of how it might look for your family and how you can put it into practice.

What is conscious parenting? 

Conscious parenting is a style of parenting that focuses on self-regulating, listening, showing empathy to children, and modeling desired behavior. Clinical psychologist Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D. first popularized the idea with her 2010 book, The Conscious Parent. Her thinking combines her exposure to Eastern mindfulness with Western psychology.

"Conscious parents are constantly working on their own mindfulness and emotional regulation skills in order to help their children also develop these skills," explains Cara Goodwin, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and member of the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board.

Characteristics of conscious parenting 

Conscious parenting style usually involves the following: 

• Constantly looking inward to identify your triggers, become aware of your emotions, release ego, and work on being a better parent

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• Having frequent check-ins with your kids to develop a strong relationship and understand their perspective

• Always showing empathy to your children and asking about their emotions

• Reacting to difficult situations in a positive way and demonstrating healthy problem-solving skills

• Modeling mindful behavior and practicing mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing and meditation

• Discussing rules and boundaries with your children ahead of time 

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• Taking accountability for your actions and mistakes

Conscious parenting discipline

Unlike many other parenting styles, conscious parenting focuses less on discipline methods such as time-outs or groundings and more on self-reflection and positive relationship-building. In their frequent check-ins, conscious parents discuss what expectations they have for their kids and discuss boundaries together. Children have a voice in these conversations, and if they disagree with their parents' expectations, the goal is to discuss them together to see if everyone can come up with a compromise.

"[With conscious parenting], you can try to change your perspective on your children's challenging behavior by focusing more on your response," Goodwin adds.

Pros of conscious parenting

• It may strengthen the bond between you and your kids. "This approach may improve the parent-child relationship since it focuses on showing your child empathy," says Goodwin.

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• It can improve mental health. "The best thing a parent can do is to work on themselves and address their own stuff," says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Get Out of the Red Zone. "We all have our own issues from childhood, and conscious parenting is really addressing that so you can be the best you possible."

• You're modeling mindfulness. Conscious parenting requires constant work on yourself, which is powerful for children to witness. "Kids have a huge BS meter," notes Lombardo. "If you are saying one thing and doing another, in their minds they are not going to listen to what you have to say." By showing your children that you're working towards growth, you're demonstrating how they can act mindfully themselves.

• It teaches kids and parents how to respond to conflict in a healthy way. All of us have situations in which we wish we had reacted differently. A conscious parent examines these moments and learns from them.

Cons of conscious parenting

• More studies on this parenting style are needed. Research on conscious parenting practices is limited, "so we don't know if this approach is effective for most parents," Goodwin says.

• It can be difficult to implement. "Conscious parenting requires a high level of awareness and takes more time," says Lombardo. "It's easier if I yell at my kids and say it's their fault."

• It might not be the best fit for everyone. Some parents may need additional strategies to manage their children's behavior, says Goodwin, such as logical consequences and reward systems.

Examples of conscious parenting

How you practice conscious parenting will depend on your child's age, maturity level, and your own emotional state. But it might look something like the following:

• Your 4-year-old misbehaves and before you realize what's happening, you're yelling at them. After a moment, you realize your reaction was a bit outsized for the situation. You apologize to your child and say, "Next time I'm angry, I'll work on my deep breathing. Do you want to put on a song we love, take some deep breaths, and do some jumping jacks together?"

• You've told your school-aged children countless times to return the family laundry basket to the laundry room after they've filled it with dirty clothes. But they always seem to forget and you're frequently going from room to room to find the basket, which frustrates you. Before you react, you take some time to reflect on why this situation is so triggering for you. Realizing that it's not unreasonable for your kids to occasionally forget to move the laundry basket around, you decide to purchase a few additional baskets for the house so there are enough for everyone.

• Your family's rule is that kids can get a smartphone when they turn 14. But your 13-year-old is the last of her friends not to have a phone, and she desperately wants one. Instead of telling her, "This is our rule" and ending the conversation, you sit down together and discuss why she wants a smartphone so badly, demonstrating empathy for what it must feel like to be the only one of her friends not to be a part of something. You come up with a compromise to buy her a smartphone a few months before her 14th birthday, provided she agrees to limits for use and you set strict parental controls on the kinds of apps she can download and use.

Conscious parenting vs. gentle parenting 

"Conscious parenting is often considered a form of gentle parenting that specifically focuses on the parent's emotional response and awareness," explains Goodwin. It has both similarities and differences to other parenting styles, though it's possible for parents who mostly align with another approach (authoritative, free-range, or even permissive, for example) to embody conscious parenting practices from time to time.

• Like authoritative parents, conscious parents are warm and loving. They both have clear expectations for their kids. But unlike authoritative parents, conscious parents focus more on changing their response to their children than changing their child’s behavior
  
  

• As in attachment parenting, conscious parenting focuses on the parent-child relationship. "But conscious parenting does not emphasize certain behaviors, such as babywearing," says Goodwin.
  
  

• Like permissive parents, conscious parents are warm, loving, and discipline-adverse. But conscious parents set expectations for their kids, where permissive parents do not establish any limits – and let their children run the show as a result.
  
  

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• Parents who have a free-range style may discipline their kids, whereas conscious parents do not. But both of these parenting styles are nurturing and give their children more freedom than many other types. Free-range parents may set looser limits than conscious parents, however, and might not emphasize mindfulness practices as heavily.
  
  

• Conscious parenting is vastly different from uninvolved or neglectful parenting (in which parents have low levels of nurturing and very few rules or limits) and authoritarian parenting (which sets strict limits and tends to be less warm and nurturing).

How to be a conscious parent

• Have compassion. Above all else, aim to have empathy for your children, look at situations through their eyes and consider how parental behavior impacts them.
  
  

• Look inward. When dealing with challenging behavior, "you can try to change your perspective by focusing more on your response than their behavior," says Goodwin. Consider your own triggers – for example, why are you feeling so upset about your child's insistence on putting on pajamas as soon as he gets in the house? Is it really about your child, or is it about you?
  
  

• Embrace mindfulness techniques. Conscious parents are always working towards continuous self-improvement. Yoga, meditation, deep breathing, and other coping strategies can help improve emotional regulation skills for both adults and children.
  
  

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• Discuss boundaries. Conscious parenting doesn't mean that anything goes. Parents who practice this approach do have boundaries, but they communicate them clearly with their kids.
  
  

• Set up frequent family meetings. Conscious parents make sure their children always have a voice. From a young age, parents and kids discuss issues, emotions, and expectations together.
  
  

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• Consider therapy. If you find that you're struggling to cope with tricky parenting moments, therapy may help. "Individual therapy can help you better understand your triggers and why you respond in particular ways to difficult parenting situations," says Goodwin.
  
  

• Apologize when you're wrong. Even the best parents err from time to time. When conscious parents make mistakes, they make an effort to own them. "One of the best things we can do as parents is to take accountability and apologize regardless of the age of our child," Lombardo says. She recommends telling your child that you were frustrated and acknowledging that your response wasn't respectful. "When we model that for our children, they realize the importance of apology."

While conscious parenting has many benefits, it can be challenging to implement. You might feel like you failed if you don't respond to a tricky parenting situation the "right" way. 

"It's important for parents practicing this approach to be gentle on themselves and remember that parenting is an ever-changing process," Lombardo says. "If you can be part of the process without judging yourself and focus on the spirit of continuous improvement, that can be really helpful."