How to handle nighttime visits from your child

Why won't my child sleep through the night? It's a question many bleary-eyed parents continue to ponder even after their child hits the grade-school years. You may be surprised to learn, however, that no child (or adult, for that matter) truly sleeps "through the night."

Night wakings are a normal part of the sleep cycle – the key is learning how to fall back to sleep when you wake up. Unfortunately, not all kids have mastered this skill. In other words, if your child counts on you or some other sleep aid to help them nod off, they may have trouble drifting off again when they wake up in the wee hours.

But it's important to help your child fall back asleep on their own at night. If their night wakings become persistent, it can lead to behavioral and emotional problems and learning difficulties in the future.

What causes childhood sleep anxiety

Of course, even champion snoozers may sometimes need help getting back to sleep after nighttime wakings. Common sources of childhood anxiety, like not being invited to a birthday party, worrying about a spelling test, and fear of death or natural disasters, can turn sound sleepers into troubled ones.

Nightmares might also prompt late-night trips to your room. Your little one's imagination is blossoming during early childhood, and this might spur some frightening dreams. Hearing scary stories, watching an upsetting movie or TV show, or being stressed can all cause nightmares.

Likewise, any departure from your child's normal routine – a vacation, an illness, or even a change in bedtime – can derail their usual sleep patterns.

How to deal with late-night visits

It's 3 a.m., and you're sound asleep. Suddenly, you feel a poke, a tap, then another poke. Try as you might to ignore it, the prodding continues. Eventually, you have no choice but to open your eyes. Before you stands your pajama-clad child uttering those all-too-familiar words: "I can't sleep!"

If you and your partner don't mind an occasional nighttime cuddle, there's no harm in giving in to your child's wishes. There's no psychological or medical downside to letting your child sleep in your bed. Children who feel safe and secure at night are likely to sleep well. And being close to parents is one way to promote that sense of safety.

But if you don't want your child sleeping in your bed, here's what you can do to cope when your little one gets up overnight.

Lose the crutch. Some kids may have trouble falling asleep without the comfort of a stuffed animal, music, a light on, or you sitting by the bed. The problem: If that sleep aid isn't available when your child wakes up overnight, they may have a hard time dozing off again. The solution: Phase out any sleep aids that your child can't turn to on their own during the night. If you plan to switch the hall light off when you go to bed, do it when you tuck them in instead. White noise or soft music is fine – provided it plays all night or your child knows how to turn it back on.

Be consistent. Develop a plan, and stick with it. It's easy to get worn down by your child's pleas in the middle of the night. If they manage to wiggle their way in, even once or twice a week, they're bound to keep trying. So haul yourself out of bed, escort your child back to their room, give them a quick kiss, and leave. Be prepared to repeat this routine over and over if necessary. If your child is sick or has a particularly bad dream, you might want to try camping out in their bedroom rather than allowing them into yours. It might be less of a setback.

Problem-solve together. Setting aside time each day to talk about what worries them can help prevent sleep disturbances. If, however, your child does arrive at your bedside, a little "crisis counseling" may convince them to return to bed.

Avoid incentives. Reward charts, stickers, new toys, and candy are not likely to work because you're not addressing underlying causes. And your child may feel ashamed or embarrassed when they don't earn the reward. It's better to give your child more attention and closeness. Treat occasional night wakings matter-of-factly and spend time during the day figuring out what's bothering your child.

Ask for their input. To improve cooperation, involve your child in decisions regarding family sleep rules. And be willing to negotiate. Lots of kids will stay in their own rooms as long as they know there's snuggle-time built into their morning routines. For example, if you ask your child to stay in their room until 7 a.m. and they counter by saying they want to get up at 6 a.m., compromising with 6:30 a.m. may help them buy into the plan.

For younger children ages 3 to 5 who may not be able to tell time, tape a piece of paper over the minutes of a clock and use a marker to draw in the agreed-upon wake-up time. When the two numbers match, your child will know it's okay to leave their room.

Establish a consistent bedtime routine. All kids benefit from routines and structure, but for younger children ages 3 to 5, a bedtime routine is key to helping them transition from playtime to sleep time. A predictable routine helps signal to your child that it's time to start winding down. Your involvement in a bedtime routine, whether by reading stories or singing songs, also gives your child a sense of security, which can help ease fears and anxieties that may have your child showing up at your bedside in the middle of the night.

Pay attention to sleep hygiene. Sleep hygiene can play a big role in your child's ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. Sleep hygiene refers to the environment your child is sleeping in and the routines and structure surrounding bedtime. Common sleep hygiene tips include going to bed and waking up around the same time every day and sleeping in a dark room.

Managing screen time is a particularly important aspect of sleep hygiene. Blue light from screens can stimulate the brain, making it harder to fall asleep and stay asleep. Turn screens off at least one to two hours before bedtime to help your child prepare for sleep.

Compromise. Consider sharing your bedroom, but not your bed. Tell your child they're welcome to stay, provided they camp out on the floor in a sleeping bag or on a nap mat. After a few nights or weeks, your child's own soft mattress may seem more appealing to them.

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