How to handle your young child's defiant behavior

You've just finished explaining to your 3-year-old why they can't wrestle with their baby sibling – only to turn around and find them knocking baby sister down. Or maybe you told your preschooler that food is for eating, not playing with, but there's peanut butter all over the table … again. A seemingly defiant child can be frustrating, but they're not unique. Even the best-behaved child is challenging at times.

These tips and strategies will help when you're not sure how to respond to your toddler, preschooler, or kindergartener – and they may even help prevent some of the defiant behavior in the first place. Read on for advice, plus when to reach out to your child's doctor if you feel like their behavior might be something more serious, or it's interfering with their relationships or performance at school.

Why is my child acting so defiant?

As your child gets older, they start to develop a stronger and more secure sense of their own identity. They're not as dependent on you as they used to be, and they may even be developing a bit of a rebellious streak. Defiance is how a toddler or young child asserts themselves. So, as hard as it might be for you when your preschooler or kindergarten acts out, know that it's very normal.

It takes time for little kids to learn how to manage their frustrations and communicate them well. As toddlers gain independence, they learn about the world by asserting that independence and testing their boundaries. And toddlers have big emotions, with not a lot of self-regulation or verbal skills to express those feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, or sadness yet. Until they've developed more impulse control and self-regulation (which starts to take more shape around 4 or 5 years old), their frustration may end up looking like defiance or out-of-control behavior, when it really isn't.

Starting around 18 months, toddlers begin to understand that they're separate individuals from others and have their own thoughts and feelings. They're eager to have control and be independent, which often results in defiance. Even older toddlers are driven by needs, wants, and impulses – and not logic like adults. A toddler's defiance may be frustrating, but it's more than likely developmentally appropriate, and is best handled as calmly as possible.

Tips and strategies for dealing with defiance in children

The most important thing to remember is that children this age aren't typically making a conscious choice to misbehave – their defiant behavior is a side effect of them learning what the world is like, and how their big emotions and interactions fit into that. Teaching emotional regulation skills and responding to your child with calm and empathy will go a long way in curbing defiant behavior.

The following tips and strategies are a great place to start to help bring a little more peace and understanding into your home.

Be understanding about your child's defiance

When you ask your preschooler to come in for lunch and they yell, "Not now!" and then cry when you make them come inside anyway, try to put yourself in their shoes. Give them a hug and say you know it's tough to leave their friends, but lunch is ready now.

The idea is to show your child that instead of being part of the problem, you're on their side. Try not to get angry (even if you feel self-conscious about being easygoing in front of others) – getting angry won't actually help your child cooperate. Be kind but firm about making your child come in when it's time.

Set limits

Preschoolers need – and even want – limits, so set them and make sure your child knows what they are. Spell it out: "We don't hit. If you're angry, use your words to say you want the toy back or hit this pillow instead or rip up this paper," or "Remember, you always have to hold my hand in the parking lot."

Children need to learn boundaries just like adults, and it's important to set the limits clearly with them. Be specific and realistic, and be sure to take the time to really explain what each boundary means. (That includes letting them know that there aren't any exceptions or negotiations.) And then follow through: "I see you're having a hard time today with not throwing the blocks. We'll put the blocks away for a while.  Now, do you want to read a book together or color?"

Reinforce good behavior

Rather than paying attention to your preschooler only when they're having a hard time, try to catch them acting appropriately, too. Praiseworthy statements such as, "Thanks for hanging up your coat!" or "It's so helpful when you share with your baby sister!" will go a long way toward encouraging your child to do more of the same. Remember to keep your praise as precise and specific as possible, and focus on the effort your child put in, not the finished product.

Although you may be tempted to give your child a verbal lashing when they engage in antics that are less than desirable, try your best to think before you speak. It's important to make sure your words address the behavior and don't criticize your child as a person. Stay away from comments like, "You're so clumsy!" or "You're always getting in trouble."

Also keep in mind that disciplining your defiant 4-year-old doesn't mean controlling them. It means teaching them to control themselves. Don't think of discipline as punishment, but as a way to teach your little one right from wrong – an important skill that will help them function in society down the road.

Use time-outs – positively

When you see your preschooler getting wound up and ready to throw a temper tantrum because they aren't getting their way, stop the action and help them cool off. Rather than a punitive time-out, take your toddler to a comfy chair, a quiet spot on the playground, or a favorite corner of their bedroom where they can calm down. Remain calm and supportive, and stay nearby and available for comfort.

Don't think of a time out as a punishment – think of it as a time where you can help your child calm down and take a break from the behavior that's causing the defiance. Time outs aren't rigid, and you don't need to set a timer for them; instead, focus on calming down and helping your toddler build their own self-regulation tools. To do this, you need to be attuned, calm, and sensitive, too.

Empower your child

Providing opportunities for your young child to make their own choices allows them to exercise their newfound autonomy in a controlled environment. As they get older, they'll have more difficult decisions to make; you can help them start now by giving them choices.

Instead of demanding that they put on the jeans you've chosen, for example, let them choose between two pairs you've laid out. Ask if they'd like peas or green beans with dinner, and let them pick whichever two stories they want at bedtime.

Another way to help your child feel more in control is to tell them what they can do instead of what they can't. So rather than saying, "Don't swing the bat in the house!" say, "Let's go outside and play baseball." If they want an ice cream cone before dinner, tell them they can have one after dinner, or offer a more appropriate snack to tide them over until mealtime.

Choose your battles

If your fashion-forward preschooler wants to wear a green striped sweatshirt with orange polka dot shorts, there's probably no harm in that. And if they want waffles for lunch and peanut butter and jelly for breakfast, it doesn't really matter that much. Sometimes it's okay to look the other way when they splash in a mud puddle on the way home, for example, or stuff their bear under the bed instead of putting it away on the proper shelf. 

Distract and divert

Avoid situations that might spark your preschooler's defiant streak. It's a hard age for them to be able to behave perfectly in a clothing store or sit quietly while you have an hour-long coffee date.

If you find yourself in a tricky situation, use healthy distractions with your child. For example, if you're walking through the mall and spy a toy store that tends to send your kid into a frenzy, quickly steer them away or divert their attention. ("Wow, look at that fountain! Let's throw a penny in and make a wish.")

Respect your child's age and stage

When you ask your preschooler to make the bed or sweep the porch, make sure they know how. Spend some time teaching new tasks, and do them together until they really get the hang of it. Sometimes what looks like defiance is simply the inability to follow through on a responsibility that's too difficult, or something that needs to be broken down into smaller, more manageable steps.

Acknowledge the unique world your child lives in, especially the way they perceive time. Rather than expecting them to jump up from a game at kindergarten to get in the car, give them a few minutes notice to help them switch gears. There's no guarantee that they'll break away from the fun without complaint. But as long as you're patient and consistent, your child will eventually learn that defiance isn't the way to get what they want.

What is oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)?

Remember that some defiance is normal, but in some cases, defiance could be a sign of something more serious. If your child has frequent angry outbursts or aggressive behavior that interferes with daily life, they might have oppositional defiant disorder. ODD affects up to 16 percent of school-age children and can seriously interfere with a child's day-to-day functioning. Symptoms of ODD include:

• Frequent temper tantrums
• Excessive arguing with adults
• Often questioning rules
• Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests
• Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
• Blaming others for their misbehavior
• Frequent anger and resentment
• Mean or hateful talking when upset
• Often touchy or annoyed by others
• A spiteful and revenge-seeking attitude

While ODD is typically diagnosed beginning around 8 years old, it's possible that a 4-year-old could have oppositional defiant disorder, too. Children under 5 with ODD exhibit an ongoing pattern of defiant behavior that occurs almost daily (whereas in children 6 years old and up, the behavior is weekly).

Symptoms of ODD generally begin during the preschool years. Healthcare providers can diagnose a child through a comprehensive medical history and interviews with you, your child, and potentially, other teachers or doctors. Treatment for ODD might include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help your child learn how to regulate their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, as well as parent management training (PMT) to teach you and your partner techniques for how to manage your child's behavior.

Read more:

• What's the best way to discipline a toddler?
• The discipline tool kit: Successful strategies for every age
• What's your discipline style?