How to talk to your child about gender and gender roles

Gender can feel like a big, overwhelming topic for parents to address with children. But it's possible to talk about gender honestly even with young children, experts say.

"Gender doesn't have to be a serious topic. We can encourage open discussions and play," says Kelley Yost Abrams, Ph.D. in developmental psychology and a member of the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board. "Parents can explain that everyone's gender is unique; it's personal to each person, and there's no right or wrong way to feel or express your gender."

Messages about traditional gender roles and gender expression still abound. But all parents want their kids to reach their fullest potential in life, and helping children realize they aren't limited by gender supports that goal.

Here's how parents can help model a flexible, open, and curious attitude about gender identity for children.

Gender versus sex

Gender isn't black and white. It's a spectrum, and wherever someone exists along that spectrum is healthy and normal. Before having these conversations with kids, it can be helpful for parents and caregivers to refresh their understanding of gender, as well as common gender-related terms and phrases:

• Gender vs. sex: "Sex" refers to the biological characteristics that are labeled male or female. When babies are born, they are usually assigned a gender that matches their external genitalia. "Gender" is a construct, and includes gender identity (more below), as well as how society expects people with certain sex characteristics to behave. A person's gender may or may not match their sex or the gender they're assigned at birth.
• Gender identity: This is the internal sense a person has about themself. Someone can have a gender identity that's male, female, both, neither, or somewhere in between. "You can't tell a person's gender just by looking at them, and someone's body doesn't determine their gender," says Yost Abrams.
• Transgender: When a person's gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth.
• Nonbinary: When a person's gender identity isn't exclusively masculine or feminine.

How to talk to your child about gender

Keep the following in mind when talking to your kids about gender:

• Model flexibility. Showing your kids that you're open and curious about gender identity yourself can go a long way, experts say. "It is important for parents to examine their own potential biases and ways of thinking about gender and gender roles," says Yost Abrams.
• Embrace "sometimes." "It's rare that something is always true or never true," says Christine Brady, Ph.D., a psychologist at the Pediatric and Adolescent Gender ClinicOpens a new window at Stanford Medicine Children's Health. That goes for gender, too. She encourages caregivers to lean on the word "sometimes" rather than "always" or "never" when talking about gender with kids. "'Sometimes' allows for flexibility, exceptions, and inclusivity," she says.
• Check in. Open, honest communication is key. Don't be afraid to ask questions and start conversations with your children about their thoughts and feelings. With older children in particular, check in often if you're worried about bullying or teasing, and support your child's choices and gender expression, says Chandani DeZure, M.D., FAAP, a board-certified pediatrician and a member of the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board.
• Use correct terms for body parts. When thinking about gender and sex, it's also important to have healthy conversations about body parts, even from a young age. "From the very beginning, I encourage caregivers to use accurate names for body parts – talk about their penis, their scrotum, their vulva," says Kathryn Lowe, M.D., a pediatrician, member of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)Opens a new window, and co-author of You-ology: A Puberty Guide for Every Body. Using correct names for genitals helps convey that there doesn't need to be any secrecy or shame associated with them.
• Be compassionate. Ultimately, the most important thing parents can do is remain loving, open, and compassionate when talking about gender with their kids. "Even if you're having trouble understanding your child's gender identity or expression, always approach your child with love and compassion," says Dr. DeZure.

Even if you're having trouble understanding your child's gender identity or expression, always approach your child with love and compassion.

- Dr. Chandani DeZure, pediatrician

Answering your child's questions about gender

Kids are naturally curious – and that's a good thing! But when they start asking questions about gender, especially if they're preschool-aged, your instinct might be to change the subject or assume they're too young to fully understand. Experts say it's best to always answer children's questions – about anything, not only gender – truthfully, just in a developmentally appropriate way.

"I always say, 'If children are asking, they're old enough to know the answer,'" Brady says. "Questions or statements are great opportunities to expand inclusivity."

Here are a few ways to address questions your child might have about gender.

If your child asks, "Why don't you have a penis/vagina?"

The easy explanation is "Because I'm a girl," or "Because I'm a boy." But children can grasp the concept that gender isn't so black-and-white, experts say.

"We believe children can't understand a more complicated answer, but research shows that they can," Brady says. Instead, she says, it's better to respond to these kinds of questions with an answer such as, "All bodies are different. Some boys have a penis, and some girls have a vagina."

If your child says, "Dresses are for girls"

Rigid thinking about gender is especially common in the preschool years, during which time your child's identity is being developed and formed. Now is a perfect time to start modeling to your child that things don't have to be restricted by gender, Dr. Lowe says. Explain that gender doesn't determine what kind of a person someone is, what activities they like, or what they can do.

For example, if your child tells you, "Dresses are for girls," you might pose a question back to them: "Well, can only girls wear dresses? Can boys wear dresses, too?" Reinforce that all clothes are for all kids, all colors are for all kids, and all toys are for all kids.

If your child points out a family that looks different from yours

It's natural for children to observe differences. And the fact that they recognize that someone else's family looks a little different from their own is a good thing: "Diversity and exposure to diversity is key," says Dr. DeZure.

Validate what your child observes in a simple, unemotional way: "Yes, that family has two mommies/two daddies. Our family has one mommy and one daddy. Families can all look different." A calm response can help model tolerance and acceptance.

If your child observes and comments on old-fashioned gender roles

Your child might see old-fashioned gender roles portrayed in books, movies, or TV shows. Or maybe someone close to your child – like a relative, friend, or teacher – expresses an opinion that's different from what you've taught your child.

This is a great chance to have a conversation about how gender stereotypes have changed over time. For example: "Back then, people said girls can't wear pants, how silly! We know pants don't have a gender. Anyone can wear pants, and anyone can wear a dress."

If your child says they're transgender

According to a 2022 study from the UCLA School of Law Williams InstituteOpens a new window, 1.6 million people in the U.S. identify as transgender, meaning their gender identity is different from what they were assigned at birth.

Whether someone is cis- or transgender, research showsOpens a new window that gender identity is something we're born with. Transgender children are consistent, insistent, and persistent in sharing their gender identity, experts say.

If your child tells you that they identify with a different gender than the one they were assigned at birth, respond in a supportive way. Checking in with children about their own identity is important.

If your child self-labels as a boy, girl, or other gender, start a conversation by asking how it would feel to be a different gender than what they were assigned at birth, Brady says. "This creates safe spaces for diversity and opens the door for sharing."

Resources such as GenderSpectrum.orgOpens a new window, PFLAGOpens a new window, and the Family Acceptance ProjectOpens a new window may also be helpful.

How young children understand gender

Young children may not always have the communication skills to tell you exactly what they understand about gender roles and behavior, but they're learning all the time. And a child's understanding of gender is constantly evolving – just as it is for adults. Here's what you might encounter at each stage.

Birth to age 2

While infants and toddlers can't yet articulate gender differences, they're absorbing what society tells them about gender role behavior from day one, experts say.

"If you think about it, kids are exposed to gender, gender roles, and gender stereotypes from birth," says Dr. Lowe. "Some would even say before birth – during pregnancy, when parents find out the sex of the baby, they're given pink or blue stuff."

Even as young as a year old, she says, kids may start to have some early awareness that there are different genders and gender characteristics.

By age 2, most children understand that there are physical differences between boys and girls. "Without training or instruction, children at this age innately know the difference between genders," Brady says. "They begin to understand themselves as the same or different from caregivers with regards to gender, and can label drawings of figures based on gender traits."

Ages 3 and 4

By their third birthday, most children can answer the question "Are you a boy or a girl?" And during these preschool years, kids tend to have pretty rigid views of what's okay for boys and what's okay for girls. That's because they've identified with a particular gender, and it's important for them to behave in a way they feel is consistent with the group.

"It's usually around age 2 to 4 when kids are really developing their gender identity," explains Dr. Lowe. During this time, preschoolers are actively taking in all of the societal expectations according to gender and forming an identity.

Preschoolers know that there are so-called girl clothes and boy clothes, and they may be reluctant to cross the lines. They may gravitate toward toys or games that fit the expected norms for their gender, and tend to play with other kids who are the same sex as them.

For example, girls get compliments on the clothes they wear from a young age, so it's no wonder they may insist on wearing a princess dress on a camping trip. They're simply embracing their own girlishness and also trying to fit in with all the other girls around them.

As parents know, rigid thinking is normal at this age. That extends to ideas about gender, Brady says. "Children need to go through that concrete stage to achieve a more nuanced understanding of gender," she explains.

And just as preschoolers can answer whether they're a boy or a girl, they can also generally tell you which gender they feel like: Children with a gender-diverse identity are able to understand their gender as clearly as their peers can, research has foundOpens a new window.

Ages 5 to 8

Once kids are 5 or 6, they begin to relax their stereotypical views on gender and embrace their own gender identity.

"Around kindergarten and first grade, their identity is really being developed and they get more of a sense of constancy with their gender identity," Dr. Lowe says. "For example, a girl will understand: 'I'm a girl now. I'm going to be a woman when I grow up.'"

During this early elementary stage, you might notice that your child starts to feel more comfortable going outside of the expected norm of what a gender "should" do, Dr. Lowe adds. Your daughter might express interest in playing football, for example, or your son may ask to join a dance class.

How to raise a child outside stereotypical gender roles

Whether you realize it or not, your thoughts and actions have a big influence on your child's views about gender.

• Gently question rigid thinking. With ever-curious preschoolers in particular, there are many natural opportunities to introduce gender-inclusive language and concepts. For example, if your preschooler tells you "Pink is for girls," use it as an opportunity to help them rethink this stereotype. "A great way to respond to comments like this is to remind kids that there are no girl or boy things," says Brady. "Colors are just colors, clothing is just clothing, and anyone can do anything they want to do."

Colors are just colors, clothing is just clothing, and anyone can do anything they want to do.

- Christine Brady, psychologist

• Embrace gender-inclusive praise. The way parents praise kids is another opportunity to use gender-inclusive language. For example, little boys are often praised for being tough, strong, brave, or independent. In addition to using those words, find opportunities to tell your son how kind, sweet, thoughtful, and creative he is. "Praise is a way to show kids that they don't need to fit into two boxes," says Dr. Lowe.
• Assign chores without regard to gender. If you have children of both genders, it can go a long way to have the same set of standards and expectations for both. You might give your son laundry-related tasks and ask your daughter to help with yard work, for example.
• Choose entertainment that shows a range of gender roles. Look for books, TV shows, and movies with gender-diverse characters, as well as men and women in roles that may not be expected of their gender. Characters who act against expected gender stereotypes (for example, girls who are interested in cars, boys who love to bake) help reinforce to your child that "everything is for everyone, and they have all the opportunities of every other kid," says Dr. Lowe.
• Discuss the characters your child encounters. You can also use movies, books, and TV shows as an opportunity to have conversations about gender with kids in a friendly, accessible way. "Children should be encouraged to ask questions regarding the story, describe what happened in the book, and discuss their feelings," says Brady.
• Expose them to diversity everywhere. In addition to introducing your children to diverse books, toys, and movies, give them opportunities to interact with diverse people, and talk to them about race and other differences, too. "As with many concepts we teach our children, it's easier for them to understand if they see and experience it," says Dr. DeZure.
• Be mindful of conversations with other adults. Even young children understand more than you might think. When talking to other adults with kids in earshot, be mindful of language and tone. Children can pick up on comments about their appearance, or the appearance of others in regards to gender, for example. Similarly, even though young children don't yet know their sexual orientation, implying they're straight ("Aw, he has a crush on her!") might give the sense that anything else wouldn't be normal.
• Let kids explore… To help your child figure out who they are without being restricted by gender stereotypes, offer choices and encourage kids to experiment and explore with different toys, activities, and interests. If your son wants to play with both a truck and a doll, let him. As your child grows older, encourage all interests – including the ones that fall outside traditional gender roles.
• … and express their identity. Similarly, encourage your child's experiments with gender expression. "Expressing gender identity comes in various ways, including different names or pronouns, clothing, hairstyles and social behaviors," says Dr. DeZure. Give your child a chance to discover what feels right to them.

Even if you take all of the suggestions above, don't be surprised if your child's attitude toward gender is rigid. It can be baffling when you've worked hard to create a gender-neutral atmosphere at home, but your child still sees a dividing line between how boys and girls are "supposed" to act.

Don't worry: This is a normal phase. Children have a deep-seated need to make sense of their world, and they aren't always mentally flexible enough to be openminded. They still see things in black and white.

The most important thing you can do as a parent is let your kid know that you love them no matter what, and show them daily through words and actions that they don't need to fit into any boxes.

Learn more about having important (and sometimes challenging) conversations with your child:

• How to talk to your child about race
• How to talk to your child about sex and reproduction