How to keep sex smokin' when trying to conceive

When you’re trying to conceive, lots of problems can creep into the canoodling. But would it be stating the obvious to say that if you’re not having sex, you’re not going to get pregnant (at least, not the old-fashioned way)? Here are some of the ways your coupling may have cooled off, and how to restore the sizzle.

It’s gotten (yawn) humdrum

Well sure, when you’re doing it on a schedule, it’s bound to be a bit boring. “When couples are trying to conceive, it takes the spontaneity out of the act,” says Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., R.N., FAAN, professor emerita at Rutgers University College of Nursing in Newark, New Jersey. And couples who have been together a long time often feel there’s nothing new to experience with each other.

How to turn up the heat
Add some variety back into your sex life. Just because you have to do it on certain days doesn’t mean you have to do it only in certain places. Leave the bedroom and get busy on the living room couch, or even the kitchen floor (or countertops if you’re feeling particularly adventurous). Try some different positions. And even try some different times: Instead of making love at night, try a morning romp. “When you’re just coming out of your dreams, sex can be divine,” says Gina Ogden, Ph.D., licensed marriage and family therapist in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and author of The Heart & Soul of Sex (Trumpeter, 2006). Or meet for a lunchtime tryst. “By night time most of us are exhausted and not in the relaxed state that makes sexual pleasure possible,” says Ogden.

Take advantage of sight, taste, sound, touch, and smell to heighten the experience, advises Whipple. Play Ravel’s “Bolero” (or Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s “Relax”), feed your partner some grapes, or have him massage your body with heated oil.

By changing all the variables of making love, you’ll be forced to focus on the experience again instead of just going through the motions.

The burning desire has waned

Low sexual desire is the most common sexual issue among women. And women trying to conceive may feel it even more. “Sex goes from being something we want to do, to something we have to do,” says Whipple. And who wants to do something you have to? What’s worse, men—who have the reputation of wanting it any time, anywhere—sometimes have trouble experiencing an erection when it comes to conception. “We call this the ready-teddy syndrome,” says Whipple. “The penis has a mind of its own, and it doesn’t always erect when you want it to.” Just one bad experience can lead to a major downward spiral—who’d want to put himself in the position (so to speak) for potential failure?

How to turn up the heat
Between your fertile days, skip sexual intercourse entirely. “We always want what we can’t have,” says Ogden. Vow not to cave and you’ll be craving each other like mad when the time finally comes. On those in-between days you can forgo full-out sex and focus on foreplay.

Another way to stoke the fires: Try some tantric breathing together. Sit facing each other and take deep breaths, matching yours to your partner’s so you’re breathing in and out in the same rhythm. Within a few minutes you’ll be jumping each other’s bones. Really.

You don’t have an orgasm

Technically women don’t need to climax in order to conceive. Women trying to conceive are often overly focused on the end result—for him. But why should he have all the fun? For starters, stop skimping on the pre-game show. Women vary in how much foreplay they need to rev up for orgasm, but the key is finding the right amount of arousal time for you, says Ogden.

Also, if you’re concentrating too hard about conceiving during the act, your brain won’t be registering sensations and releasing the feel-good chemicals you need to go over the edge. While it may be impossible not to think about conception when you’re trying (it’s like telling somebody not to worry about something, which just makes them worry about it more), the best way to deal with it, says Ogden, is to acknowledge it, then find a way to let the feeling flow through you rather than try to pretend it doesn’t exist.

How to turn up the heat
“I’ve spoken in 94 countries about this, and women are the same all over,” says Whipple. “We’re all embarrassed to ask for what we want.” But how can you expect a man to know what makes you feel good without telling him? Find out what makes you orgasm through masturbation, then share what you’ve learned with your partner. Try bringing it up at a time when you’re together, alone, and relaxed ... but not in the middle of foreplay or intercourse. Keep it neutral and non-threatening, using “I” statements like, “I really like it when you do this,” or “Let me show you how I like to be touched,” as opposed to, “You really don’t do it for me.” If you really can’t get the words out, bring home The Joy of Sex and read it together. You can point to positions or techniques you’d like to try.

You're lacking lubrication

If you’re stressed, not in the mood, or just downright exhausted, your vagina may be dry, which makes intercourse uncomfortable. Hormones may play a factor as well: Estrogen dips in the late 30s and early 40s, causing vaginal dryness. Another possible culprit: antihistamines. They suppress the body’s production of fluid, both in your nose and in the vagina.

How to turn up the heat
Have more sex! “Women in their 40s who have sex once or twice a week have twice as much circulating estrogen as women who have sporadic sex, or none at all,” says Whipple. If you’re taking antihistamines, see about switching to a different drug. And if you need to, use some artificial lubricant—just make sure you choose one that is sperm-friendly.

You feel self-conscious about your body

Is there a woman in the world who actually thinks she looks great naked? Probably even Heidi Klum has hang-ups about her thighs. “Our society is like a training program for feeling terrible about your body,” says Ogden. “It teaches us that whatever we have it’s too big, too small, too hairy, too flat.” This can be especially relevant when you’re trying to get pregnant, because you can’t help but think, “Is he really attracted to me? Or is he just doing this because we have to?”

How to turn up the heat
Think about some of the sexiest women you know. Here’s one: Callie on "Grey's Anatomy." She’s certainly not like the wispy-thin waifs who dominate the media. But she is, in a word, h-o-t. Watch how she carries herself. She exudes sexiness. “Find a way to let go of the images of what you think you’re supposed to look like, and feel how your body is,” says Ogden. “Allowing yourself to truly feel your body and how it moves can actually change your entire energy field.” Take a belly dancing or yoga class to really get in tune with your own body, and soon you’ll be putting out an energy that will make every man in the room turn their heads. If you don’t feel it, fake it. You’ll be amazed at how pretending can transform into genuine feelings.

You're too stressed to score

It’s been said time and time again, but it’s worth repeating: The most important sex organ in the body is the brain. If your mind is telling you that you should be working, or the light bulb needs changing, or the dog needs to go to the vet, you’re not going to be in the sexiest frame of mind. “Also, stress often causes emotional upset, depression, and anger, and we often blame our partners when we’re feeling down, which in turn creates sexual problems,” says Peter S. Kanaris, Ph.D., a psychologist and certified sex therapist in Smithtown, New York.

How to turn up the heat
Once you recognize the issue, you and your partner can take steps to solve it. Instead of blaming each other for the stress, realize you’re in the same boat and try to work it out as a team. Use sex as part of the solution as opposed to it being another stressor in your life. “Intimacy can be a little safe haven where we turn to each other in times of stress,” says Kanaris. In addition to the psychological boost sex can give, touch can actually help reduce stress-hormone levels.

Also, be sure you both find some outlets in addition to sex that can help relieve stress over the long haul. Yoga, meditation, even long walks can help clear your mind. “It goes without saying that having difficulty conceiving is stressful for any couple,” says Whipple.

He can't climax

Nope, that’s not a typo; some men do have difficulty ejaculating. “It’s one of the least reported, and least understood sexual problems,” says Kanaris. “I think it happens more often than we think.” Often it’s the result of masturbation—when a man has literally trained himself only to orgasm in a certain way. That can leave a partner thinking she’s not enough of a turn-on for her partner to orgasm. Alcohol and certain drugs (including antidepressants) can also be the cause.

How to turn up the heat
Let him show you how he masturbates, so you can see what he likes. Or try this surefire hit: Press your fingers against the area right behind the base of the scrotum, says Dennis P. Sugrue, Ph.D., associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School in Ann Arbor. “This is where the prostate gland is located, and it’s highly arousing,” he says. And most of all, try to relax. To (mis)use a cliché, a watched pot never boils. (If antidepressants or other medications are to blame, see if a different prescription can help with symptoms without the side effects.)

He comes too quickly

Years of masturbating as a young boy and hoping he’d finish before Mom or Aunt Harriet walked in can lead to hasty orgasms as an adult. While it may not hurt in the conception department, it can’t possibly be all that much fun for him, or for you.

How to turn up the heat
Many experts recommend the start and stop method. Tell him that when he feels he’s about to climax, to stay still and take a few relaxing breaths.