Even though most healthcare providers will clear you to have sex again four to six weeks after giving birth, you might find that you have no interest in doing the deed, and that's normal. Many new moms have low sex drives after having a baby: Breastfeeding, physical recovery, and postpartum fatigue can all affect how you're feeling.
You're not alone if sex after baby is the last thing on your mind right now: One study found that women reported lower levels of sexual satisfaction for up to a year-and-a-half after giving birth. In the first six months postpartum, women were about twice as likely to report having sexual dysfunction than they were prior to giving birth. There’s not as much research on how having a baby affects a new mom's partner, but one small study found that both male and female partners were less interested in sex after their partner gave birth.
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There a number of factors contributing to your low sex drive after baby:
You're exhausted. First, your sex drive has to compete with the overwhelming fatigue that often accompanies taking care of a newborn. New babies are demanding. They require around-the-clock attention and a great deal of physical contact, and this can be both physically and emotionally draining. When you finally have a moment to yourself, you may need a break from intense physical attachment, making sex low on your list of priorities.
Your hormones are in flux. Major hormonal shifts can make you feel off balance in the postpartum period. This is especially true if you’re breastfeeding. When you’re nursing, estrogen production decreases, which can lead to vaginal dryness. That can make you feel like you’re not physically ready for sex, although using lube can help ease any physical discomfort.
Physical setbacks. Your body is healing from labor and delivery, and that process might be slower if you had any perineal tearing or if you're recovering from a c-section. You may also worry that intercourse will be painful, and for many women, the first sexual encounters after childbirth can be uncomfortable. In addition, you’re probably getting to know your new postpartum body and you may not feel entirely at ease with it yet. These feelings can all have a dramatic impact on your body image and make you feel less desirable.
Emotional setbacks. Postpartum depression is a serious-but-treatable maternal mental health condition that affects 1 in 8 new moms. One symptom of PPD is a lack of interest in activities that usually interest you, which may include sex. Even if you’re not battling depression, the emotional toll of taking care of a baby can make it difficult to get in the mood. If you think you may be suffering from PPD, reach out to your provider so you can get help.
You're nervous about getting pregnant again. Evolution may help explain this. In nature, mother animals rarely mate when they're busy rearing their young. Their bodies just wouldn't be up to the additional burden of another pregnancy. The same may be true of women – in fact, experts recommend waiting at least 18 months before getting pregnant again. Talk to your provider about contraception, including birth control pills or an IUD. That can ease your fears and help you have sex without worrying about adding to your family.
Tips for getting your sex drive back after baby
The good news is that most women report that their decreased libido is temporary. With time and patience, you and your partner can rebuild a satisfying sexual relationship. These tips can help:
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Start with intimate touching or foreplay. The lack of intimacy after baby isn’t just about sex. It can be hard to find a moment to connect with your partner emotionally, let alone sexually. Start slowly by touching, kissing, and connecting throughout the day. When you’re able to have sex, use plenty of foreplay (and lube!) to increase desire and readiness.
Pleasure yourself. During the postpartum period it’s normal to feel out of touch with your body. Things that once felt good might not feel quite the same after delivery. Masturbation can be a great tool to get to know your new body and connect with yourself after giving birth. Once you know what feels good to you, you’ll be able to share that with your partner.
Communicate with your partner. Communication is always key during sex, especially in the postpartum period. Talk openly with your partner about your concerns and listen to theirs. This is important before and during sex. Check in with each other to make sure everyone is getting enjoyment, and don’t be afraid to try again later.
Make time for sex. If you and your partner both want to have sex, try to put each other at the top of your to-do lists. (Folding laundry or washing bottles can wait.) Agree to make sex a priority, then work together to get the housework done when baby is awake.
Go easy on yourself. Finding a new sexual groove after having a baby can take time, but most people find a new normal for their sex lives after adding to their family. Give yourself grace and remember that when it comes to sex after baby, time is on your side.
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Read more:
Bonding with your newborn
How a postpartum doula can help
Postpartum warning signs
