Temper tantrums: Why they happen and how to deal with them

A temper tantrum is the emotional equivalent of a summer storm – sudden and sometimes fierce. One minute you and your toddler are in a restaurant enjoying your dinner, the next minute they're whimpering, whining, and then screaming at the top of their lungs because their straw is bent.

Children between the ages of 1 and 3 are especially prone to tantrums. Take heart – they typically occur much less frequently by age 4.

Why your toddler has temper tantrums

Though you may worry that you're raising a tyrant, at this age your child isn't throwing a fit to be manipulative. More likely, they're having a meltdown in response to a big emotion.

Toddlers are beginning to understand a lot more of the words they hear, but they're not quite fluent talkers yet. Not being able to express how they feel or what they want is frustrating.

Here are some of the most common reasons for a tantrum:

Emotional triggers. The most likely reason for a meltdown is that your toddler is feeling overwhelmed emotionally. Young children have all of the big emotions – good and bad – that adults do, but they don't yet have the ability to understand and manage them. Tantrums happen when feelings such as frustration, fear, or rejection are too much for your little one to cope with on their own.

A tantrum can also be caused by something that's been bothering your child over time. For instance, say they see a picture of a scary monster in the afternoon that puts them on edge. When you put them to bed, they might be more agitated than usual and throw a tantrum that's linked to the anxiety that started earlier in the day.

Physical triggers. Fatigue, hunger, and discomfort are frequent tantrum triggers.

Reinforced behavior. Depending on how you respond, your child may learn that throwing a tantrum is a way to get what they want.

How to deal with toddler tantrums

Tantrums are perfectly normal behavior, and often you can't do anything to stop them. But there are strategies to help you deal with this reality of toddler parenting.

1. Choose your battles

You'll need to handle a tantrum differently depending on why it's happening. If your toddler is having a meltdown because they're hungry or tired, give them a snack or help them settle down for a nap.

Sometimes it's worth it to let your toddler wear their Halloween costume to daycare for a month, or have the same breakfast every single day, or drag their ratty blanket everywhere. As long as your little one isn't in danger, doing something unsafe, or hurting someone else, consider accommodating them to avoid tantrums.

2. Don't lose your cool

A tantrum isn't a pretty sight. In addition to kicking, screaming, and pounding the floor, your toddler's repertoire may include throwing things, hitting, and holding their breath to the point of turning blue. While this is hard to handle, even breath-holding can be normal behavior for a child having a tantrum.

In general, it's best to stay with your child during a tantrum. Stomping out of the room – tempting as that may be – can make them feel abandoned. The storm of emotion they're going through can be frightening to them, and they'll appreciate knowing you're nearby.

When your child is swept up in a tantrum, they're unable to listen to reason, though they will respond – negatively – to your yelling or threatening. Instead, just sit down and be with them while they rage.

If you find yourself getting overly frustrated, some experts suggest calmly letting your little one know you're taking a short break, and then leaving the room for a few minutes. You can return after you've taken a few deep breaths or gotten a glass of water – whatever you need to do to help yourself calm down. This way, you're also modeling healthy coping skills for your kid. And by staying calm, you'll help them calm down, too.

Some experts recommend picking up your child and holding them if it's feasible and safe for you (if they're not flailing too much or trying to hit you, for instance), since they'll find your embrace comforting.

Never hit your child in response to a tantrum (or at all). Spanking teaches kids to use aggressive behavior to solve their problems, and doesn't help them learn emotional regulation or communication skills. And research shows that physical punishment may actually harm your child's brain development and mental health.

3. Stand your ground

No matter how long the tantrum continues, don't give in to unreasonable demands or try to negotiate with your screaming toddler.

By giving in, you'll only be teaching your child that throwing a fit is a good way to get what they want, which sets the stage for future conflicts. Besides, your child is already frightened by being out of control. The last thing they need is to feel that you're not in control, either.

4. Prioritize safety

If your child's outburst escalates to the point that they're hitting people or pets, biting, throwing things, or running away from you, pick them up and carry them to a safe place. Tell them why they're there ("You're not being safe right now and you're hurting people"), and let them know that you'll stay with them until they can be calm.

5. Use time-outs sparingly

Depending on your child, using a time-out occasionally, beginning at about the age of 18 months, may help them manage their feelings better when they have a tantrum. Make sure to tell your child that the time-out is a break, not a punishment.

A time-out can be helpful when your child's tantrum is especially intense and other techniques aren't working. Placing your child in a quiet spot for a brief period (about one minute per year of their age) can be a good lesson in self-soothing.

Explain what you're doing: "You're going to have a time-out so you can calm down. I'm going to be right over there." Also, let them know they're not in trouble.

If your child refuses to stay in time-out, simply place them back in the spot firmly but calmly and go about your business. Let your child know you're available for them, but give them space.

6. Talk it over afterward

When the storm subsides, talk calmly about what happened. Discuss the tantrum in very simple terms and acknowledge your child's frustration. Help them process their emotions by naming the feeling and the reason behind it. For example, "You were angry because you didn't want to wear that shirt."

Help them figure out what to do next time they get upset: For example, if they had a meltdown over a shirt they didn't want to wear, tell them next time they can choose between two shirts you put out. Offer physical activities such as ripping up paper or pounding Play-Doh when they're having strong emotions.

Reward signs that they're regulating their emotions, including being able to settle down and talk things over with you. Let them know you're proud of them for calming down and talking with you.

It's also important to give your toddler plenty of positive attention in your daily life. Give them credit when you catch them doing something good, like "Thank you for sharing the doll with your sister" or "I like how you said please when you asked for some milk."

7. Try to head off tantrum-inducing situations

Pay attention to which situations push your child's buttons and plan accordingly. If they fall apart when they're hungry, carry snacks with you. If they get cranky in the late afternoon, take care of errands earlier in the day.

If they have trouble making a transition from one activity to the next, give them a gentle heads-up before a change. Alerting them to the fact that you'll soon leave the playground or sit down to dinner ("We're going to eat when you and Daddy are done with your story") gives them a chance to adjust instead of react.

A gentle warning may not be enough to head off a tantrum. If you find that's the case, try setting an alarm on your phone (or get an old-school kitchen timer) when you give your little one a five-minute warning before you leave the playground. Let your toddler know when you set the timer and what they can expect when it goes off.

Your toddler is becoming more independent, so offer them choices whenever possible. No one likes being told what to do all the time. And in reality, you can't actually control your child. Saying, "Would you like green beans or carrots?" or "Red shirt or blue shirt today?" will give them a sense of control.

If you sense a tantrum is on the way, try distracting your child. Here are some things you can do:

• Change locations – for instance, suggest playing on the swings instead of the sandbox at the park.
• Give them a toy or another object to explore.
• Do something they don't expect, like making a silly face or pointing at a bird.
• Get them involved in another activity. If you're out shopping, have them help you get items off the shelf and put them in the shopping cart.

8. Watch for signs of overstress

Although daily tantrums are a perfectly normal part of the toddler years, it's a good idea to keep an eye out for possible problems. Has there been upheaval in the family? An extremely busy or harried week? Parental tensions? All of these can provoke tantrums.

If a bigger issue is at the root of your toddler's tantrum, talk to their pediatrician about ways you can help ease their stress.

How to handle public temper tantrums

Toddlers are bound to throw tantrums, and sometimes they take place when you're in a public place. Parenting an upset child with an audience can be stressful and embarrassing, even when you know it's normal at their age.

Here are a few ideas for handling public temper tantrums:

• Start on the right foot. Children are more likely to lose their tempers when they're hungry or tired. So if you're about to embark on a marathon shopping trip, for example, try to make sure your child is fed and rested.
• Slow down and stay cool. A public tantrum might trigger a stronger emotional response in you, so take a few moments and delay your response to their frustration. Children learn by example, and they'll take note of your calm response to their meltdown.
• Remain consistent. Don't change the way you respond to tantrums just because you're in public. If removing your child from a triggering situation to wait out a tantrum is your go-to response at home, stick with it whenever possible in public. This could mean leaving a store, even in the middle of a shopping trip.
• Set yourself up for success. Avoiding triggers includes being aware if you're expecting too much of your little one. Is your errand pushing back naptime, lunchtime, or bedtime? Have you passed the toy aisle three times or spent more time than usual in the store? This is just as much a lesson in parenting as it is a lesson for your toddler, showing you how to adjust for a better experience in the future.

Regardless of any looks you get, your child doesn't understand your embarrassment, so remember that public tantrums aren't meant to humiliate you. Plus, plenty of other parents have been in your shoes.

Toddler tantrums: When to worry

If your child's tantrums seem overly frequent or intense (or your child is hurting themself or others), seek help. Your doctor will discuss your child's developmental and behavioral milestones with you at routine well-child checkups.

These visits are good opportunities to talk about concerns you have about your child's behavior, and they help to rule out any serious physical or psychological problems. Your doctor can also recommend ways to manage the outbursts.